Welcome To Homestuck
by Dr. Psyche
Summary: Sequel to Desert Candy and Oranges. Cecil reports on the daily happenings of Night Vale, be they roads growing hair, a strange new butcher shop, Author Rose Lalonde's visit, and something about an alien clown's religion's journey to the holy city of Desert Bluffs, but who cares, they're Desert Bluffs.


Clowns Paint and Religion

"Home is where the Heart is. When you move be sure to remove the heart from your house and install it in a new one, if the SA node is damaged, purchase a pace maker from StrexCorp. Welcome to Dessert Bluffs."

"It is a lovely day today in Dessert Bluffs. We would like to give a warm welcome to The Crocker Corporation, who've finished a business deal in which they bought our StrexCorp Synergists Incorporated."

"I for one would like to welcome the Crocker Corporation to our quaint little town. Tab and Cake Mix are flooding our stores, and I'd like to remind you, purchasing it is mandatory."

"I tell you, it has been a vigorous legal battle, StrexCorp wanted to stay independent, but they seem to have given in when their central headquarters was, and I quote, 'Bombarded with hellfire from the outer space, probably a spaceship of some kind'."

"Haha, that's Crocker Corp. for you."

"Crocker Corp: Submit, obey, buy stuff, or else."

"In other news, the Trolls from the nation of Alternia will be visiting our town early this year. Normally these highbloods come to our town on their religious pilgrimage, in the Autumn, but they've made the trip earlier, possibly in anticipation of our town's newly acquired Crocker industries."

"We've actually scheduled an interview with one after the Weather. I'd like to remind you of our cultural differences. We need to respect the Highblood's use of language, in spite of our censorship laws. Russel, our censor, had his spine snapped by the last highblood for bleeping out his curse words. Still I encourage you to have your children away from the radio, because while respecting their culture is important, it is equally important that we keep our children's ears from such language."

"In sports news, The Dessert Bluff's Vultures went up against the Night Vale Scorpions last Saturday. I must say it was an impressive showing by our lovely rival town Night Vale. Both teams were excellent in fact, and that made for an enjoyable game. Michael Sandero, the jewel of the Scorpions, now with only one head, scored the winning touchdown, and broke the neck's of two of our halfbacks. Congratulations to the Scorpions for their victory, and better luck next time to our Vultures."

"While normally a loss of such caliber would have the entire team report to the board of behavioral corrections, our new benevolent Crocker Corp has elected not to have them go in a statement today.

"i don't care a boat" and yes, it is written as a boat, the kind you sail in, how strange, "any of ur football soccer junk."

"Lucky break Vultures."

"We'll be back with traffic, and now a word from our sponsor. I've just been informed that all our ads have been edited by our delightful Crocker corp. and will be played as such."

"Mold, we all see it we all have a problem with it. Sometimes mold get's into your sink, sometimes it rots your house (OBEY), sometimes it won't pay rent, and will resist (CONSUME) any and all attempts for the police to remove it. Hi, I'm Billy Mays, resurrected by our kind Quisling Guy Fiere (CEASE REPRODUCTION), and I'm here to tell you about OxiClean. (BUY TAB) OxiClean can get rid of all your problems. Got annoying mold, use OxiClean, killing it will not constitute as murder. Do you have stains that won't go away, use OxiClean, it's patented (OBEY) chemicals will remove any and all stains. Do you have too much free will, OxiClean will wash your brain good (OKAY T)(IS IS FINE ACTUALLY, LISTEN TO THE MAN WITH THE FUNNY VOICE). If you're not satisfied with OxiClean, you may return it in 30 days or less and receive a full refund (NO LONGER APPLIES). If you want a free demo of OxiClean just call StrexCorp. (CROCKER CORP. NOW), simply whisper into your keyhole, and a representative from a very well known, yet friendly looking, corporate organization will come with your free demo. Call Now (FIS)( PUNS AR-E AW-ESOM-E)."

"And we're back with traffic."

"Traffic has backed up on the eastbound highway as a circle of Alternians has been formed, praying in devotion to their double god. Any one who get's near the scene is quickly killed, and their blood used to paint the idol they've made. Said idol appears to be a cue ball on a pool stick."

"There has been a car accident on 3rd street. Officials encourage drivers to avoid it, and not assist the injured drivers because, "they probably deserved it for bad driving"."

"4th street and 5th are clear, 4th will provide a detour. 6th street no longer exists, 7th street will henceforth be known as 6th street, 8th will be known as 7th and so on. 9th street, formerly 10th street, will be closed at 4:00 til midnight for a party dedicated to the Mithful Messiahs."

"And now, great listeners, I happily take you to the weather."

Had a future like a Condesce

Not a future like a troll

Dont care if I lost the chance

There I'm in control

Crocker Drones, battleships

Wanna start a war

Thats the queen you'd fight for

I call you up and you're bailing out

Is that what friendship is all about?

Just join the battle and cut 'em down

I'm gonna cull that ugly green clown

I'm miss regal pink batter, batter witch

Fight me with your lasers

Cut you like a stitch

I'm miss regal pink batter, batter witch

I'm gonna be your CrockerCorp Bitch

I'm gonna be your CrockerCorp Bitch

Hivebent, trident, I wont be your maid

Death gave me some options

So I will not be dismayed

Grab the gold, grab the cold, glory, here I come

All for number 1

To all my dead friends, I need platoons

Ill give anything, just not doubloons

To all my dead friends, you're being mean

Welcome to the life of the royal queen

I think I want your, your skull as my crown

I think you're gonna be so going down

Oh oh oh

I'm miss regal pink batter, batter witch

Fight me with your lasers

Cut you like a stitch

I'm miss regal pink batter, batter witch

I'm gonna be your CrockerCorp Bitch

I'm gonna be your CrockerCorp Bitch

"And we're back, hope you didn't miss me, I missed you."

"Now we have the Grand Highblood, Gamzee Makara, in the studio, he walked in during the weather, or, rather he threw intern ben through the soundproof window and climbed in. Crocker corp. has replaced the window and we will continue. How are you doing Mr. Makara."

GAMZEE: please, bro, call me Gamzee

GAMZEE: I MOTHERFUCKIN DECREE IT

GAMZEE: im doin fine by the way

KEVIN: "That's nice, Gamzee, so what brings you to our nice little town."

GAMZEE: MOTHERFUCKER THIS BE THE HOLY CITY OF DESSERT BLUFFS LEGENDS SPEAK OF IT AND THE PILGRIMAGE ALL HIGH BLOODS MUST TAKE TO IT.

GAMZEE: it's a lovely place, the paint runs free and the faygo is half off. Its bitch-tits wicked.

GAMZEE: THIS BE A MOTHERFUCKIN SHOUT OUT TO MY BRO KARKAT, KURLOZ AND HIS KITTYBITCH.

KEVIN: "It's quite nice that this place has such religious value to your people. Last year there was a different Grand Highblood here, did you surpass him?"

GAMZEE: dessert bluffs is where we be having all the miracles up in this bitch. your décor is being a wonderous thing, the paint coats your walls, red ain't a color we have too much of, and we can always stock up here

GAMZEE: IT BE A MOTHERFUCKIN SHAME TO LET ALL OF THIS GO TO WASTE. HER IMPERIAL CONDESCENSION, HIGHEST OF ALL THESE FUCKIN BLOODS BE TAKIN OVER THIS SHIT, PUTTIN TAB ALL UP IN HERE. BUT WE STILL BE HAVING THIS HOLY CITY.

GAMZEE: and the guy before me was a motherfuckin false profit, you know, preaching up about all these blasphemies of our mirthful messiahs.

GAMZEE: I SHOWED HIM WHAT'S WHAT. I KILLED THAT BITCH ASS MOTHERFUCKER. MY CHAIR BE PAINTED A ROYAL PURPLE WITH THE BLOOD THAT RAN THROW THAT BLASPHEMER.

GAMZEE: now I be the highest blood here, the highest all around. Any of those motherfuckin pricks go up to me, I be putting their heads through the grounds.

KEVIN: "Ah a good old fashion take over, wonderful. Initiative is something we really respect down here at Dessert Bluffs."

GAMZEE: SHUT THE FUCK UP IM STILL GETTING MY TALK ON

GAMZEE: we always make a stop off at night vale, get their faygo, get some paint, and get down here for the holy journey, but those motherfuckers are all up and pissed about us using them as paint

GAMZEE: IT AINT OUR FAULT THOSE BITCH ASS FUCKS AINT GOT PAINT FLOWING FROM THE SIDEWALKS. THEY THINK THEIR POISON DARTS CAN STOP ME

GAMZEE: fuck if they don't hurt though

KEVIN: "Yes, I seem to have gone to Night Vale when that Sandstorm came, or so StrexCorp. told me. The place is far too dry and the equipment is too old. I feel sorry for our dear neighbors. Have you run into any problems?"

GAMZEE: FUCK YEAH, THE RED PAINT IS NICE AND ALL BUT I GET KINDA SICK SEEIN RED EVERYWHERE, THIS COULD USE MORE COLOR.

GAMZEE: hold on ill call brother kurloz to get us some more color up in here.

*a phone is taken out, a call is made.

GAMZEE: YEAH, YOU MOTHERFUCKING KNOW WHO IT IS.

GAMZEE: this place needs some more motherfuckin color

…

GAMZEE: I KNOW THEY ONLY GOT RED, WE GOTTA USE WHAT WE GOT. PAINT THE TEMPLE GREEN WITH THE KITTYBITCH

…

GAMZEE: what dyou mean no

…

GAMZEE: DONT ANSWER WITH "JUST NO" MOTHERFUCKER I AM THE HIGHEST GUY HERE, AND I DEMAND THAT YOU LET THEIR BE OLIVE

…

GAMZEE: dont hang up on me dont you –

*Crushes phone in hand

KEVIN: "Anyway, why don't you tell our viewers about the newly built temple here in Dessert Bluffs?"

GAMZEE: YEAH, TWO YEARS AGO MY PREDACESSOR, MAY THAT MOTHERFUCKER BURN WITH THE DOUBLE DEATH GOD'S MOUTH LAZAH, COMMISSIONED YOU FUCKS TO BUILD A TEMPLE WITH OUR DRONES.

KEVIN: "We're sorry about the drones, StrexCorp was only trying to see if they could resist tank fire.

GAMZEE: fuck strexcorp they died in righteous royal fire from the battleship condescension

GAMZEE: ANYWAY THE TEMPLE WAS FINISHED THIS SUMMER. TODAY IS A DAY OF WORSHIP, THE TEMPLE IS PAINTED BEAUTIFUL RED, THE RAREST OF RED ON MY PLANET. WE WILL BEGIN THE CEREMONY AND WORSHIP THE TRUE MIRTHFUL MESSIAHS. WE WILL BUY ALL THE FAYGO ALL OF IT

KEVIN: "Faygo has been marked down in preparation for this ceremony, StrexCorp's last act of defiance."

GAMZEE: when we give our thanks to the gods of double death, we shall cull the blasphemous, the unworthy and the weak. righteous purple will be added to the walls of red, their bones will become the stardust we need for our miracles

GAMZEE: THIS WILL BE THE MOTHERFUCKIN SHIT

KEVIN: "Well, that sounds like a lovely ceremony. It's been a while since the last culling we've seen here."

GAMZEE: well this culling's gonna be all sorts of wicked fun. all humans we can round up will go to the first messiah, and our own blood shall be placed to the second we will-

*crash is heard as the window is smashed by a sickle

KARKAT: GAMZEE WHAT THE FUCK.

GAMZEE: HEY KARKAT THIS BE A SPREADIN OF RIGHTEOUS GOSPEL ALL OVER THESE PRIMITIVE AIRWAVES YOU WANT IN?

KARKAT: JEGUS FUCK NO. GAMZEE I'M SICK OF YOUR CRAZY ASS RELIGION KILLING EVERYONE.

GAMZEE: aw bro, you mean that?

KARKAT: FUCK YES I MEAN THAT, YOU AND KURLOZ ARE KILLING SO MANY FUCKING PEOPLE. WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THIS PLACE.

KEVIN: "Hello there, Karkat, I'm Kevin. We're on the air right now, what do you have to say about our quaint little town?"

KARKAT: FUCK YOU, YOU CREEPY BLACK EYED FREAK. WHY IS THIS TOWN COVERED IN BLOOD, IT'S EVERYWHERE, YOU HAVE ANIMAL GUTS AT YOUR CROSSS WALK LIGHTS! THIS PLACE IS WORSE THAN PULSE AND HAZE, THAT PLACE AT LEAST HAD NOTHING LIVING THERE!

GAMZEE: chill bro, it's all fine up in here. we be preparin for some awesome miracles.

KARKAT: GOD FUCKING DAMMIT GAMZEE. ITS ALWAYS YOU AND YOUR MIRACLES WHICH GET US INTO THESE FUCKING MESSES!

GAMZEE: DON'T YOU BE DISRESPECTING THE MIRACLES KARBRO!

KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP, IM GETTING THE HELL OUT OF HERE BEFORE THINGS GET EVEN MORE FUCKED UP

**MEULIN: \(=^..^)/ CAN I M33T KHOSHEKH?**

KARKAT: WRONG TOWN MEULIN.

KEVIN: "Well hello there miss, welcome to our studio, is there anything you'd like to say, I've just received a message from Crocker Corp. saying we're going to have to end soon so they can broadcast their new mandatory brain washing."

MEULIN: (= .. )^ HII KURLOZ HI NEPETA IM ON SOMETHING, I THINK IT'S A RADIO OR A TV. THE FURRNY BLACK EYED MAN IS SAYING SOMETHING, BUT HIS LIPS ONLY RRREAD DIE OFUR AND OFUR AGAIN.

KEVIN: "And I'm afraid that's a wrap ladies and gentlemen, it's been so happy to be you're MC."

GAMZEE: nah karbro, I don't wanna go, you take the deaf kittybitch and go home

KEVIN: "I do so hope that the executive ruler of Crocker Corporation let's me continue to speak even if it's under her impressive and cruel rule."

GAMZEE: I AM THE HIGHEST OF HIGHBLOODS, I GOT TO DROP THE WICKED SCIENCE ON ALL THE OTHERS IN THIS CEREMONY.

GAMZEE: if you don't wanna chill with us, go to the other motherfuckin town, with the poison darts and dry streets

KEVIN: "It's been a wonder to speak to all of you, and I do hope you enjoy the Ceremony tonight, whether you watch, participate, or are turned into dust and paint, have lots of fun!"

MEULIN: \(=o..o)/: KARCAT CANYAN WE GO TO NIGHT-VALE, PURRLEASSE? I WANT TO MEET THE FLOATING KITTIES AND CECIL AND CARLOS, CECILOS IS MY OTP FOR THAT TOWN.

KARKAT: GAMZEE ARE YOU SERIOUSLY GOING TO STAY HERE WITH YOUR BULLSHIT RELIGION.

GAMZEE: SHIT YEAH. IM THE SHEPHERD OF THIS HERE HERD, AND IMMA LEAD THEM DOWN THE RIGHTEOUS PATH OF FAYGO MIRACLES english POOL AND ALL THAT GOOD SHIT

GAMZEE: these are my people karbro, please respect a brother

KARKAT: FUCK, FINE, MEULIN AND I WILL LEAVE YOU TWO TO YOUR DUMBSHIT. I WONDER WHAT KANAYA AND ROSE ARE DOING. COME ON MEULIN.

MEULIN: \(=^..^=)/ SQU33

KEVIN: "I'm happy to work for our new master, I'm happy for the Subjugulators, and their pursuit of religion. I'm happy that the cat looking troll and small horned troll have left to start new adventures. I'm happy, and so are you. Stay tuned for the hating hour. Until next time Dessert Bluffs, Until Next Time."

X

Welcome to Dessert Bluffs is a production of commonplace books. It's written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Dessert Bluffs is Kevin R. Free. Original music by Joseph Fink.

This Episodes weather was Crockercorp Bitch composed by berryciesta and performed by totallspiffage.

You can download the song on Totallspiffage's Tindeck along with other very impressive Homestuck fan music.

You can find both berryciesta and totallspiffage on tumblr.

Rest In Peace William Darrell "Billy" Mays, you have brought us plenty of joy with your entertainment personality.

Today's proverb: If a red house is made of red bricks and a blue house is made of blue bricks what's a green house made of? Probably sentient Moss, we advise you use OxiClean, thanks Billy.


End file.
